Being Female REPOST
by RandomReposter66
Summary: Repost of Venus God's terrible sequel to her terrible fanfic "Becoming Female".


**THIS ISN'T MINE. This fanfic was written by Venus God as a sequel to her other fanfic _Becoming Female_. It was recently deleted, perhaps because Venus God finally realized how stupid it was. Fortunately, I saved it so we can continue to laugh at her.**

**Chapter 1: The Baby Happens**

AN: This is the sequel to "Becoming Female", but you don't have to read it first to understand anything because I'll explain everything that happened and stuff.

My name is Crystal Malfoy. I used to be called Harry Potter before I was turned into a girl by an accident Snape did and married Draco Malfoy at an awesome pirate wedding. After graduating from Hogwarts, I moved into Draco's big house thing and lived there with him and his awesome mother Narcissa and also Sirius Black. Lucius didn't live there anymore because Draco had epically killed him for being sexist, making him dead and not alive anymore. One day, me and Draco decided to go to St. Mungo's so I could have our baby. I was wearing a yellow T-shirt, a bright orange vest with blue polka dotes, a purple jean skirt and red sandals with olive green socks. I had dyed my hair blue and put it into a pony tail thing and I was wearing lots of makeup. I also had underwear on.

"Hello, I would like to have a baby today," I told some person.

"Right this way," they said, leading me and Draco to a room that was inside the hospital.

"Hello, I'm a healer," said a healer. "Get on this bed and start screaming to make the baby come out."

"Okay," said I as I got on the bed. "AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" I said.

"Push! Push!" yelled Draco helpfully because otherwise I wouldn't have known about that part. I screamed epically some more and made the baby come out of my pleasure hole. Then I picked up my awesome baby and it was a boy and I knew he would never be sexist like that sexist idiot Ron Raper who used to be called Ron!

**Chapter 2: Ginny needs help now!**

"What should we name our awesome baby?" asked Draco handsomely as his amazing gray eyes glowed romantically at me.

"How about we call him Sunshine Archimedes Malfoy?" I suggested happily while I smiled a lot.

"Okay!" said Draco and he smiled too with his mouth! We went home with our baby thing and put it in a crib where it belonged. Then we started to kiss romantically with our lips touching. Suddenly, Narcissa walked into the room!

"Whoa, you two look so cute together!" she laughed at us. "Anyway, you have some guests." Then Ginny walked in the room with her red hair and Luna came in too. Ginny was crying her eyes and it looked like she had been abused by someone abusive.

"What's wrong?" I asked her to find out what was going to make her cry so bigly.

"Someone in my family is SEXIST!" she yelled loudly in a loud voice.

"We already know about that sexist idiot Ron Raper," I told her. "Remember, he got epically killed by the awesome giant squid for being so sexist."

"It's not that sexist idiot Ron Raper!" she explained informatively. "I've never told you this before, but Arthur is very sexist and Molly only married him because she was a huge slut. Molly always wanted me to be a slut too so that I could use Love Potion to make you fall in love with me back when you were a boy. After you turned into a girl, it ruined her plans because she's so homophobic and she and Arthur decided it was my fault and started beating me with objects!"

"That's awful," I explained to her.

"I saved her when I went over to her house one day," said Luna in her stupid voice. "She lives with me now, but her evil parents are threatening to sue us badly for no reason!"

"We better go teach them a lesson!" I yelled awesomely. Ginny started crying with happiness and I hugged her sisterly. Then we all walked out of Malfoy Manor except for Narcissa who wasn't coming.

**Chapter 3: Arthur and moly**

author's Note: Ginny calls her parents by their given names because she's awesome like Bella Swan and Bella calls her dad "Charlie". Also, I'm explaining what happened in the previous story as this one goes along. If you want to know more about what happened in "Becoming female", you'll have to read it.

Me, Draco, Ginny, and Luna walked up to the ugly Burrow house. Molly was doing the chickens because she did whatever housework her husband told her to do because she was a slut. She was also wearing an ugly pink slutty bikini because she was a slut.

"Ginny says you're a slut!" I explained loudly.

"I'll do the talking," said Arthur sexistly. He was wearing an ugly wife-beater and drinking beer. "Women should let their husbands do all their talking stuff because they belong to them and they should only do inferior female things."

"You're sexist!" I yelled.

"I see you're finally returning our daughter," Arthur laughed in an evil voice. "Now we can force her to marry someone so she'll be locked away in a kitchen as a worthless housewife for the rest of her life! That's the natural order because women suck."

"We won't let you take her!" shouted Luna epically in an awesome way loudly.

"Then I'll go to the Ministry!" he cackled sexistly. "They're very sexist, so they'll automatically take my side! You have no chance!"

We all gasped furiously!

**Chapter 4: Justice**

AN: One-year-olds can't read, Jokegirl.

"Now, I want my daughter," said Arthur aggressively as he took out his wand and pointed it at us with his hand! "Pass over the little cunt now!" he added offensively.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" I yelled. We all got our wands too! Molly didn't get out a wand because she was a slut and because she was wearing a bikini which didn't have anywhere to put a wand anyway.

"Avada Kedavra!" yelled Arthur sexistly, aiming the green stuff at Ginny! Draco pushed Ginny aside gentlemanly and the spell exploded epically.

"HOW DARE YOU!" I sobbed awesomely. "You're so SEXIST!" Arthur laughed in an evil voice.

"You'll all die and NO ONE WILL EVER KNOW!" he said, telling us that he would kill us all and that he wouldn't get in any trouble because no one would ever know about it.

"Not if I have anything to say about it, you dumb nincompoop!" shouted Luna epically. She did a spell amazingly that made it so Arthur's clothes disappeared and he was wearing boxers with ugly red hearts on them! He screamed and dropped his wand on the ground and covered the boxers with his hands because it was so embarrassing. Then he ran inside crying pathetically in a sexist voice! I picked up his wand and broke it into twenty pieces while laughing happily.

Then Ginny did a spell that made it so the whole Burrow was on fire. Arthur screamed badly as he got on fire and started to burn up!

"NO, YOU EPIC FOOLS!" he screeched at us. "YOU'LL ALL PAY FOR THIS WHEN I RAPE YOU ALL ON PURPOSE!"

"You're destroying the kitchen!" yelled Molly at us sluttily. "Now my life doesn't have any meaning!"

We all picked up Molly and threw her into the burning house too because she was a slut. She started to cry stupidly as she caught on fire!

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" she yelled evilly. He all high-fived each other and walked away laughing at Arthur and Molly getting what they deserved!

**Chapter 5: A day at Nordstrom**

AN: I haven't actually read the books cuz they're so long, but my sister read them to me once so I know everything that happens and stuff. She also types up my fics for me. She thinks they're dumb, but she has to do it or I'll show mom the pictures of her with her boyfriend. I wish I had a boyfriend. ;(

We decided to celebrate what we did by going shopping! We went to the Nordstrom in Diagon Alley. Hermione and Professor McGonagall were already there. Hermione was wearing a green T-shirt, pink overalls, a blood red superhero cape with yellow stripes on it, and dark purple Russian boots. McGonagall was wearing a pretty peach blouse with blue polka dots, a neon green microskirt with her royal purple thong underwear showing, bright yellow go-go boots, and tweed opera gloves. She had also dyed her hair olive green and styled it into a Dutch braid.

"Hey, guys!" I screamed at them. "I just gave birth to my new baby thing and we're calling it Sunshine."

"That's a lovely name!" said McGonagall wisely. "Someone needing a lobotomy would have chosen a retarded name like Scorpius, but Sunshine is much better."

"Yeah, that's the name Lucius would have forced Draco to use on his son if he hadn't been dead," I said back to her responsively. "Thank goodness that didn't happen!"

We all started shopping awesomely. Draco bought a purple football helmet with yellow pictures of flowers on it, an orange tuxedo with brown and purple pinstripes, and a brown and black tweed turtleneck shirt thing. Ginny bought a tweed spaghetti strap jacket with a picture of Robert Pattinson on it, red and orange tie dye shorts, a pink and gold plaid v-neck, and expensive solid gold sandals. Luna bought a leather orange garter belt, a blue-green and copper pantsuit, and white wool socks. Hermione bought a pink and orange embroidered sweat jacket and a green cashmere skirt with purple polka dots. McGonagall bought a purple purse with yellow and orange stripes on it and a bright green string bikini. I just got a cute purple and brown flared skirt.

We all then went to Malfoy Manor to hang out together and stuff.

**Chapter 6: Umbridge Spoils a Beautiful Morning**

The next day I woke up in Draco's bed because we slept in the same bed because we were married and it was awesome and grown-up. I put on a tweed purple blouse, a yellow Eisenhower jacket, a blue leather skirt with orange horizontal stripes, red tights, and green sneakers. I also put on underwear, but I put it on before the rest of my clothes so that the underwear would be under them.

I went downstairs with Draco and then we started to play Scrabble with Hermione, Ginny, Luna, McGonagall, Sirius, and Lupin. Narcissa made us all food and served it to us because Draco didn't make me cook because he wasn't sexist like that sexist idiot Ron Raper.

"I'm kicking all your asses!" laughed Luna, who was winning victoriously. Suddenly, there was a knock on the door and Narcissa answered it. And then walked in an evil, slutty woman wearing ugly clothes!

"UMBRIDGE!" we all screamed at her, but she didn't go away. She laughed badly at us.

"You DIED!" I yelled at her dramatically. "We SAW you be killed by that sexist idiot Lucius Malfoy when he used the curse on you and made you fly through the window."

"Oh, that wasn't me," Umbridge explained sluttily. "I tricked him. That was only a hologram of me that he killed. Anyway, Arthur and Molly escaped from the burning house and went to the Ministry for help and now you all have to go to a trial tomorrow."

"That's SEXIST!" Hermione boomed epically. Umbridge screamed happily in a slutty way!

"Soon you'll all be in Azkaban!" she told us meanly. "That'll teach you all to have sex with each other!" She walked out of the Manor laughing at herself. I started to cry at how unfair this was and Draco comforted me awesomely!

**Chapter 7: We go there**

AN: Guess what all you haters needing lobotomies? I've found a video of someone reading my story"Becoming Female" on YouTube and look how funny she finds it! So there!

The next day, we all went to the trial thing at the Ministry of Magic place. I was wearing a green tent dress with red and orange lace. I had dyed my hair purple with red highlights and put blue makeup on my amazing girl face. I had put high-heeled pure gold sandals on my feet and I also had underwear on.

Arthur and Molly were already there. They were wearing paper bags because all their clothes had burned up in the fire. Their ugly skin still had black stuff on it. We all laughed at them for looking so stupid!

"Well, we may not have any clothes anymore, but you're a BUM!" said Molly dumbly. We laughed at her for being so brain damaged.

Suddenly, Umbridge walked into the room. She was big and fat and she was wearing ugly pink slutty clothes. She laughed at us in an evil voice with her big fat mouth.

"NOOOOOOOO!" I shouted awesomly. "Where's Fudge? We'll take that homophobic idiot over you, YOU SLUT!"

"He's dead!" she yelled at us meanly. "He died last night in an accidental way which wasn't murder. That makes me the new Minister now!" I was shocked! I wasn't sure if she was telling the truth about it not being a murdering. I did wonder who might have killed him, though.

"Now we'll start the trial," she said. I gasped at how unfair this was! Draco started to cry sadly in an unhappy way which showed that he was depressed.

"No one can save you now, stupid!" Umbridge told us sluttily.

"We'll see about that, you deranged nincompoop!" said a very handsome voice. We all saw a very sexy man walk into the room! He was a man and he looked exactly like Robert Pattinson except that he wasn't a vampire. He was Viktor Krum!

**Chapter 8: The trial thing starts!**

"I am here to defend these awesome people, you fat cow!" Viktor explained epically. Umbridge started to cry because her plan was getting ruined, but then she stopped and went on!

"You are charged with attacking these nice people and burning down their retarded house," she conveyed sluttily to us. "I'm sending you all to Azkaban where you can think about what you did!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" shouted Draco in a manly voice.

"Wait, you have to give them a chance to defend themselves!" Viktor said sexily, looking more handsome than ever. He was wearing a neon green suit with giant orange polka dots and a yellow tweed bucket hat. He had dyed his hair bright purple. He looked exactly like Robert Pattinson!

"Very well," muttered Umbridge as she started to cry sluttily again.

"Did these people give you any reason to attack them?" Viktor asked us in his amazing blue voice.

"Yeah, there were SEXIST!" I shouted epically and all the court people gasped. One of them fainted sadly.

"You'll never prove it, you little whore!" shouted Arthur at us.

"Yeah, it's our word against yours, you dumb girl!" added in Molly sluttily.

I couldn't think of how we could prove the truth to everyone, so I started to cry! Draco started to cry too, in a manly way. We were doomed!

**Chapter 9: Can Viktor prove it?**

"I call Luna to the stand," said Vitkor in a lawyer voice. Luna walked up crazily because she was weird.

"Do you swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you, God?" asked the person who said that part.

"I do," she said, "and it's true that Crumple-Horned Snorkacks are real!" Everyone laughed at her, but she didn't notice because she was weird, but weird in an epic way which made her awesome.

"Now Ginny came to live with you at some time," said Viktor handsomely. "Can you explain why?"

"Yeah, her parents were sexist," Luna explained truthfully in a crazy voice. "They wanted her to be a slut and marry Harry Potter even though it wasn't True Love."

Everyone gasped at how sexist that was, but I could tell half of them were secretly sexist and only pretending to gasp! I felt scared that they might vote against us and send us all to Azkaban where we didn't belong!

"You'll never prove it, you little dumb girl thing!" shouted Arthur sexistly.

"Can you tell the court what you think of girls, Arthur?" asked Viktor cleverly. But Arthur didn't fall for it.

"I believe those retarded sluts deserve equal rights with awesome men," he lied convincingly.

I gasped at how clever he had hidden his true feelings about girls! How could Viktor prove he was sexist now?

"Well, since there's no proof these nice people are sexist, I declare you guilty!" yelled Umbridge sluttily. "Now I'll decide your punishment."

I gasped awesomely and Draco started to cry manily.

**Chapter 10: Umbridge sucks!**

"I have decided your punishment," Umbridge decided evilly. "You'll give me your wands and go live in the Muggle world forever!"

"No, I won't let you!" I shouted, but we were forced to comply when some people pointed their wands at us sexistly. Luna began to cry loudly and Draco comforted her handsomely.

"Also, Ginny will go back to live with her parents since there's no proof they're sexist," said Umbridge sluttily. "They can do whatever they want to her!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed Ginny as Molly pulled her out of the court by her ear. Umbridge laughed at us evilly for losing.

"Now that I'm in charge of the wizard world thing," she said, "I'm making it a rule that no one can ever have sex! From now on, all babies will be delivered by storks."

"YOU FAT SLUT!" I yelled truthfully at her.

"I can run the wizard world the way I want, stupid!" she said at me. "If you or your friends ever try to go into the wizard world again, I'll send you all to Azkaban! Take them away!"

I cried epically as the guards dragged us all out of the room meanly!

**Chapter 11: Return to the Dursleys**

Those sexist guards threw me, Draco, and Luna out of the red elevator thing which went down into the Ministry room. We were now stuck on the streets!

"What will we do now?" asked Draco as his epic tears masculinely poured down his face. "We're not allowed in the wizard world anymore and we have nowhere in the Muggle world to go!"

"Well, I still have the Dursleys," I said to them. "You can all move in with me."

"Okay, that sounds nice," said Luna insanely.

"But Uncle Vernon is really mean and he doesn't know that I'm a girl now," I explained sadly. "He's also very sexist and he hates wizards because he's a Christian fundamentalist."

"Well, we don't have any other choice," verbalized Draco as he continued to cry awesomely.

We all went to the Privet Drive and I knocked on the door sadly.

**Chapter 12: The Christian Fundamentalist**

AN: I need more reviews, except from mean flamers like JOKEGIRL who SUCK.

Aunt Petunia opened the door sluttily. She was wearing ugly slutty clothes because she was a slut.

"Vernon, there are people here!" she said. Vernon walked forward. He was wearing Christian clothes.

"Who are you?" he asked in a bigot voice.

"I'm your nephew Harry Potter," I explained truthfully. "I got turned into a girl by accident and married Draco Malfoy, so now my name is Crystal Malfoy. This is my husband Draco and my friend Luna. We've been kicked out of the wizard world."

"Praise the Lord!" cried Vernon, raising up his hands. "I have long prayed for you to renounce the ways of Satan and embrace our Lord, Jesus Christ. Now you have finally seen the evil of your ways. In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost, Amen!"

"So you'll let us stay here?" asked Draco sexily.

"Oh, yes!" Vernon shouted loudly. "We are a good Christian family and we shall save you all from the darkness and unteach you the teachings of Satan. Amen!"

Vernon walked off to go pray on God and we all went into the living room. Dudley was watching a dumb show called "Jokegirl". It was about this mean blonde cheerleader who was popular and mean and also extremely fat. She was called "Jokegirl" because she was such a joke. We all laughed as the people on the show gave her the lobotomy she needed.

**Chapter 13: Dudley is so Cute!**

An: You are SUCH a hypocrite, Jokegirl. It's okay for YOU to call me swear words like "dillhole" and "dumbass" just because you don't like my awesome story, but when I bravely stand up to your meanness, suddenly I'm the jerk! You're just jealous cuz I have so many more reviews than you.

And Flecktrike, I didn't give you a mention because you weren't mean enough to deserve it.

story: It turned out Dudley was retarded and he had only been so mean because he didn't know any better. Ever since he had apologized and said I wasn't a waste of space, he had been a complete sweetheart and now we were great friends.

"Hello, Dudley. I'm Harry, but now I'm a girl," I explained epically.

"Okay," said Dudley retardedly. He believed whatever he was told because he was retarded.

"My, you look handsome!" said Luna awesomely.

"You think so?" asked Dudley cutely. Me and Draco went "awwwwwwwww!" We didn't hate Dudley for being fat, because fat people can be awesome. Of course, SOME fat people are jerks and deserve to be made fun of, but NOT for being fat.

"Yes, you deserve to be loved by an awesome girl," Luna told him. Dudley looked so cutely happy because no girl had ever told him that before!

"Come on, it's time for church!" said Vernon religiously.

"But it's not even Sunday!" Draco gasped manily.

"We go to church every day because we're Christian fundamentalists," said Vernon sexistly. "In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost, Amen!"

So we all went into the car and Vernon started driving down the road thing. He played his Newsboys and Jars of Clay CDs and forced us to sing along because he was a Christian fundamentalist. Eventually, he went to a building with a big sign reading "St. Christian Fundamentalist Church" and turned into the parking lot, which had almost no cars in it because most people aren't Christian fundamentalists.

"We're here!" screamed Vernon as he stopped the car on purpose.

**Chapter 14: A Sexist Preacher**

AN: Awww, looks like Jokegirl has created some sock puppets to try to trick people into thinking she has friends. How sad. And Flecktrike, I know you're trying to be mean enough that I'll put you in the story. Well, guess what? It won't work because I KNOW IT'S WHAT YOU WANT! Ha, ha!

We all went inside the church and sat down. Preacher Bob started talking and it was SO BORING. I really hated Christian fundamentalists, but not all Christians because that would be racist!

"Everyone should be Muggles," said Preacher Bob bigotly. "Magic is evil and dumb because Jesus said so on page seven of the Bible. Also, when gays marry, it ruins marriage for the rest of us."

"Stop, that's WRONG!" I shouted, bravely standing up. "You're HOMOPHOBIC!"

"Don't listen to her," Preacher Bob said evilly. "Girls are all retarded. The Bible proves it when Eve was so dumb she ate an unhealthy apple instead of awesome chocolate cake!"

"Apples are healthy, you moron!" I shouted. "Your Bible makes NO SENSE!" Everyone in the room gasped.

"Shut up, or I'll send you to Hell on purpose!" Preacher Bob screamed. He was really ugly and sexist.

"You're SEXIST!" I shouted loudly in a loud voice, but that sexist idiot Preacher Bob kept talking. After he was done, we all went out of the church and into the car.

**Chapter 15: Dudley falls in love**

"How DARE you talk to Preacher Bob that way!" shouted Vernon as he started the car. "He speaks the words of our Lord, Jesus Christ."

"He was saying mean things about gay people and women!" I pointed out sexily.

"Our Lord, Jesus Christ, loves everyone and only he is smart enough to know who sucks," laughed Vernon evilly. "Amen!"

"That's SEXIST!" I yelled at him, but he didn't listen because he was a Christian fundamentalist.

We arrived back at the house thing and went inside. Luna was holding Dudley's hand cutely.

"Let's watch TV," said Dudley, too stupid to realize that he had become retarded in the first place because of the TV, especially "Jersey Shore".

"No, let's go outside," said Luna sweetly and we all went outside, except for Vernon, who stayed inside to read his favorite Chick tracts.

"I wonder how this Chick guy has heard of my nephew Harry Potter?" asked Vernon, but we all ignored him because he was sexist and dumb.

Outside, Luna started telling Dudley all about her amazing, crazy creatures. He believed her because he was retarded and IT WAS SO CUTE. Dudley was having a much better time listening to her then he ever had watching the television. Suddenly, Luna kissed him and we all clapped happily.

"Way to go!" screamed Petunia. "Now have sex with him in front of everyone!"

"Shut up, you're A SLUT!" I shouted at her because she was a slut.

Later, we went inside to eat our yummy dinner, but Vernon had to pray before he could eat!

"Come Lord Jesus, bless everyone and kill all the stupid wizards," Vernon prayed. "In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost, Amen!"

"So, where is everyone going to sleep?" I asked them as we all started eating the food and stuff.

"You and Draco will share your room," explained Vernon at us, "because it's okay for you to have sex since you're married. Luna will get your old room in the cupboard under the stairs."

After we finished eating, me and Draco went up to my room.

"Hey, Hedwig!" I said to Hedwig. Hedwig hooted happily at me.

Me and Draco went into my bed and started to have sex awesomely. Hedwig looked away while we did it so she wasn't perving on us.

**Chapter 16: Vernon is so Mean!**

AN: Stop flaming me with your sock puppets, Jokegirl. You totally need a lobotomy lol.

The next morning me and Draco woke up in my bed. I put on a pink sweater with horizontal orange stripes, a neon green skirt, and purple tweed sneakers. I also had underwear on. Draco put on an awesome red and orange pinstriped suit with a navy blue tie. We went downstairs and Petunia made us breakfast because she was a slut. Vernon was watching "The Glenn Beck Show" because he was a Christian fundamentalist.

"That evil evolution is still being taught in schools," said Glenn Beck sexistly.

"May God save us all from the evil teachings of that atheist Satan!" yelled Vernon in a religious voice. "Amen!"

"Where's Dudley?" asked Petunia. "I don't want to waste all my awesome food on Crystal and Draco!"

"I'll go get him," said Vernon back to her and he went upstairs. After awhile, we heard him scream at the top of his lungs! He sounded like a little girl!

We all ran upstairs and saw Luna was in Dudley's bed with him! They were naked, but they were covering themselves with the blanket so they were appropriate to look at.

"YOU HAD SEX AND WEREN'T MARRIED!" Vernon screamed because he was intolerant and a Christian fundamentalist.

"It's not their fault!" I tried to explain. "Dudley didn't know any better because he was retarded and it wasn't Luna's fault because she's just crazy and does weird things."

"How dare you!" said Vernon, ignoring me meanly. "Now you have to get married or Jesus will hate you! Amen!"

Luna started to cry sadly and Dudley comforted her retardedly. We left the room so they could put on clothes without us looking at them while they were naked, which would be gross and embarrassing.

**Chapter 17: Another Event Happens**

An: For the last time, Flecktrike, I told you I wouldn't put you in the story no matter how mean you were.

"YOU WILL GET MARRIED!" Vernon screamed badly at Dudley and Luna. "And it will be a Christian fundamentalist wedding, which means Luna will have to vow to be Dudley's slave and do all his house work and laundry for him! Amen!"

"That's SEXIST!" I yelled outrageously.

"Women are supposed to do cleaning and have babies and stuff," said Petunia sluttily. "That's our only purpose in life because men are better than us."

"PETUNIA, YOU IGNORANT SLUT!" screeched Draco awesomely.

"I don't want to be a Christian fundamentalist," said Dudley bravely. "Luna shouldn't be my slave and she's smarter than me anyway, so she should make all the decisions."

"HOW DARE YOU!" emitted Vernon loudly. "You're not allowed to get married the way you want to because you're so awesome for being a man! In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost, Amen!"

Then we all watched a movie. We were only allowed to watch Christian movies, so we watched "Raise Your Voice". Vernon clapped sexistly at all the parts where Hilary Duff went to church and did other Christian things. Suddenly, there was an explosion and the front door flew into the room epically.

A man walked into the house. He was awesome and sexy and he had on epic clothes. He looked exactly like Robert Pattinson! He turned to look at us sexily and raised up a wand. He was Viktor Krum!

"I'm here to save you all, Crystal!" he said at us.

**Chapter 18: Saved at last!**

AN: Nice try, Flecktrike. You only started being really mean after I put Jokegirl in the story. In fact, you said "Wow, I didn't get a mention, I'm so upset. Can I get a mention if I call you a dumb blonde slut who needs to pull her head out of her ass." I know you're trying to trick me to put you in the story like with Jokegirl and IT'S NOT GOING TO WORK.

"Go away, you Satanist wizard!" yelled Vernon evilly. "We've made Crystal reject your evil atheism and embrace our Lord, Jesus Christ! Amen!"

"THAT'S NOT TRUE, YOU MORONIC NITWIT!" said Dudley epically. Vernon distracted him by turning the TV to that sexist show "Jersey Shore".

"Men are better than women," said Snooki sluttily on the TV because she was slut.

"NO, STOP!" screamed Luna. "YOU'RE MAKING HIM MORE RETARDED!"

As Dudley watched that dumb reality show "Jersey Shore", he did become more and more retarded! He was retarded in the first place because of shows like that and "Jokegirl". "Jokegirl" was an especially dumb show because the narrator didn't know the difference between first person and third person in grammar.

"Step aside, you fat nincompoop!" Viktor said to Vernon awesomely.

"Make me!" laughed Vernon in a bad voice. "In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost, Amen!"

Viktor and Vernon climbed onto the coffee table epically. Viktor held up his wand while Vernon meanly took out his samurai sword. He raised it up in the air to hit poor Vitkor with it Christianly.

"And he shall smite the wicked and plunge them into the fiery pit!" Vernon said in a hypocritical voice because actually he was wicked and Viktor was nice.

Suddenly, Vernon tripped on a banana peel and feel backward into the TV, which was epically ironic because actually he was the one who was wicked and so what he said actually happened! The TV blew up in electricity and Vernon died awesomely in the explosion. With the TV gone, Dudley stopped becoming more retarded and now he didn't have to be a Christian fundamentalist anymore either. We all cheered about that sexist Christian fundamentalist Vernon being gone for good this time!

**Chapter 19: Back to Magic World**

AN: The views of Vernon are not shared by me.

Later that day, Petunia died while having an orgy with six random guys because she was a slut. Then Dudley decided to marry Luna and not be a Christian fundamentalist like his father. Viktor gave me and Draco back our wands, but Luna decided to stay in the Muggle world and live happily ever after with her new husband, Dudley Dursley!

Me, Draco, and Viktor got into Vitkor's awesome flying pink car convertible. We flew away from Privet Drive while Dudley and Luna stood in the front yard to wave goodbye epically. Behind them, Preacher Bob was tied up and on fire because Dudley and Luna were punishing him for being sexist!

"So what's it like in the wizard world now?" I asked Viktor to him.

"Well, after Umbridge took over she made some new laws," said Viktor sexily. "No one was allowed to have sex or even kiss. People were only allowed to hold hands!"

"THAT SLUT!" I yelled angrily.

"Umbridge was also really mean," Viktor said more. "She said abusive things like 'You have got to be the stupidest person I have ever met' and 'Go back to first grade, dillhole', but acted like that didn't count as being mean. Then Hermione stood up to her and called her fat and Umbridge got really upset and sent Hermione to Azkaban for being mean!"

"What a hypocrite!" Draco laughed epically. "She totally needs a lobotomy!"

"Yeah, that's when everyone realized how much Umbridge sucked," Viktor explained. "She's dead now and they've made Sirius the new Minister. He's turned everything back to normal and sent me to get you and bring you to him."

"Okay, that's cool," I said to Viktor in a voice.

**Chapter 20: a Sirius Minister**

an: Ha, ha, Jokegirl, someone has posted a review which says Flecktrike is your sock puppet and that means it must be true! Well, guess what? Now I'm not putting YOU in the story either because if Flecktrike wanted it, that means you wanted it too! I guess that's the only reason you were so mean in the first place.

We went to the Ministry of Magic and Viktor parked his car in Sirius' office. Sirius was wearing cool sunglasses and he had replaced the desk with a hot tub. Two hot girls wearing bikinis were in the tub with him because he was such a stud. They weren't sluts because they were in love with Sirius for his personality and NOT because of sex. Sirius was wearing epic swimming trunks so that he wouldn't be naked because he wasn't a weirdo perv.

"Hey, Crystal! Hey, Draco!" said Sirius in a sexual voice. "Where's Luna?"

"She stayed in the Muggle world because she found true love there!" I explained and I started to cry happily because I was so happy for her!

"Oh, that's so romantic!" Sirius squealed happily.

Suddenly, Hermione walked in the room. She was wearing a lime green rayon blouse with purple polka dots, skin-tight hot pink short shorts made of tweed, olive green tights, cerise knee-high socks, and orange boots with blue stripes. I couldn't see it, but I assumed she also had on a bra and panties under the rest of her clothes so that she would be wearing underwear.

"Hello, Crystal," said Hermione in a nerd voice. "Are you ready to go?"

"What?" I asked in a confused way because I didn't know what she meant by that.

"I haven't explained yet," said Sirius awesomely. "I need to send you all on an important mission."

**Chapter 21: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!**

AN: Wow, Jokegirl, wow. You can't fool me by changing "Flecktrike" to "Not Interested In Your Lies". I know it's still you, Jokegirl. I bet all the flames my stories have gotten have been from your sock puppets lol. You SO need a lobotomy. :D

"What is it?" asked Draco in an awesome voice because he was awesome.

"Well, with the Burrow gone, Umbridge decided Arthur and Molly needed in a new house," Sirius explained sexually, "so she gave them Malfoy Manor. They're now in control of the house and they've made Narcissa their maid!"

"THAT SLUTTY NINCOMPOOP!" I yelled angrily, referring to Umbridge as a slutty nincompoop.

"After I became Minister I told them to move out, but they wouldn't," said Sirius in a sad way. "Now they're going to make Ginny marry that sexist idiot Theodore Nott!"

"That's SEXIST!" I screeched epically. "Anyway, what do you want us to do?"

"You, Draco, and Hermione must go there and save Ginny," Sirius said to us, explaining what we had to do. "Viktor can't go because he has to go play Quidditch awesomely for Bulgaria."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" I screamed. I started to cry because Viktor was so awesome and sexy and I didn't want him to go away!

"Don't worry, Crystal, I'll still be there," said Draco mannishly. He kissed me in a grown-up married way and I blushed epically!

**Chapter 22: The Next Chapter**

author's note: Sorry I've taken so long to update, but I was so busy with the end of school. Also I've been feeling sad cuz the boy I like never let me sit next to him in class all year cuz he thought I might have cooties. :(

We all went to Malfoy Manor and it was covered in ugly wedding decorations! Barty Crouch, Jr. was there waiting for us and he was so incredibly hot. He looked exactly like Robert Pattinson!

"Hey, Barty!" I said to him. He had turned nice after the dementor sucked all the evil out of him.

"Hey," he said at us. "Sirius sent me here to help you. Also, it turns out Viktor Krum is really ugly and sexist and he doesn't even look like Robert Pattinson."

"That sexist idiot!" me and Draco laughed together. Barty tried to lead us into the house, but Molly stopped us. She was wearing fancy slut clothes from five hundred years ago or whenever the Wild West was.

"You aren't invited!" she said sluttily at us. "Ginny is marrying Theodore Nott today whether she likes it or not and then Arthur will be very bigly rich! Not like when I tried to write a book."

"Molly wanted to write a story," Barty explained sexily, "but it was too much work, so she plagiarized one that was really written by Saf Dawnheart instead."

"It's not MY fault I'm such a bad writer!" Molly cried pathetically. "I don't even know the difference between first person and third person in grammar."

"You're such a joke, girl," I told her awesomely.

"Get out of our way, stupid!" yelled Hermione epically at that slut Molly.

"I WON'T LET YOU THROUGH, YOU RETARDED GIRL!" shouted Molly sluttily because she was a slut.

Molly tried to block the way with her arms, but Barty did a spell that made it so she was on fire. All her clothes all burned up instantly, except for the panties because that would be gross. Her hair was still on fire so she looked exactly like that ugly sexist guy from "Hercules" except that the fire wasn't blue!

"Give me some clothes!" she screamed sluttily as she tried to cover her extremely tiny breasts with her arms.

"NO!" we all laughed at her and walked inside!

**Chapter 23: He's back!**

AN: Thesporktheives, I never said all Christians were like that, only Christian Fundamentalists. Remember in chapter 14 when Crystal said she hated Christian Fundamentalists, but not all Christians because that would be racist! And I cant be sexist cuz I'm a girl lol.

BTW, I've taken a writing class now, so the writing will be improveder in this chapter, okay?

Story: We all went inside the room with the people. They were all SO UGLY and the guys were all sexist and the girls were all sluts! We could tell this because the guys were being sexist and the girls were wearing ugly slutty clothes.

"Hi I'm a bitchy stupid teenager" said an ugly slut "and I'm mean to my awesome little sister all the time for no reason! I hate that she blackmailed me with a picture of me and my boyfriend." We all felt a great connection at what a familiar and relatable situation this was.

In a sudden way that sexist idiot Arthur walked out onto the stage. We knew he was sexist because he had said sexist things before!

"Ginny's locked up in the tower" said Arthur speaking with his mouth. "When it's time for the wedding part we'll bring her down to marry Theodore Nott!" He was talking in an American accent because most people know more American people than British people so that way more people could relate to it.

In a sudden way someone walked out on stage! He was covered in bandages so he looked exactly like a mummy but one of the Egyptian ones and not like just a mother! Egyptian mummies are sometimes in museums so the situation was relatable to people who had gone to museums.

"This is our special guest" said Arthur. "He will be here for the wedding." The ugly man in the bandages walked up to talk in front of us all.

"Why can't women drive?" he said in a sexist voice. "Because there's no road between the kitchen and the bedroom!" We could tell he was sexist because he had just made a sexist joke! This was an example of showing and not telling.

In a sudden way he started to undo the bandages revealing his ugly sexist face. He was someone we thought was dead but he wasn't! He had ugly red slicked back hair and his face was ugly. He was wearing an old-fashioned suit and it was ruined but not enough to show too much of his horrible ugly body! He laughed in a sexist voice because he was sexist.

HE WAS RON RAPER!

**Chapter 24: A Slut in my bedroom!**

AN: I already have a beta with my sister and she's, like, really smart. She knows stuff and everything.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" I shouted in an impossible voice. "This is IMPOSSIBLE! You're supposed to be DEAD!"

"Well, if it isn't Crystal Malfoy," said Ron Raper sexistly. "This time I'm going to get away with raping you sexistly and there's nothing you can do about it. Guards, put her and Hermione in the tower with the other sluts!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" I screamed epically as me and Hermione were led away to the tower. I was horrified to discover they had written the words "sluts to rape here" on my bedroom door. The letters were in an ugly font and they had sexistly made them pink!

In a sudden way, the guards threw up us into the room and locked us in sexistly. Ginny was in there and she had been forced to wear a slutty wedding dress even though she wasn't a slut! The dress was an ugly pure white color.

"You've got to get me out of here!" screamed Ginny amazingly. "They're going to make me marry that sexist idiot Theodore Nott!"

But Ginny wasn't the only person in the room. That ugly slut Lavender was also there and she was being slutty! Parvati wasn't there because she had been eaten by sharks. There was a little girl also there. She was that innocent first year Fanny I had saved epically before. Fanny was innocent because she was a first year. I couldn't believe even Ron Raper would go that low!

"That SEXIST pedophile!" I shouted angrily in an angry voice.

**Chapter 25: Freedom!**

An: I didn't brake da rules. Snooki isn't a real person cuz reality TV is fake. I guess certain people believe everything they see on television lol. BTW, I am NOT eleven and a half years old.

Suddenly, someone flew up to the window thing on a broomstick and it was Draco and Barty. They looked twice as sexy and awesome together! They also weren't wearing shirts.

"We're here to save you," announced Barty to us. He splashed the bars with the dangerous chemical dihydrogen monoxide and they melted epically. We all cheered! Then Draco sexily climbed in the window and so did Barty.

"Can I have a shirt?" asked Draco, who was shivering masculinely because he was cold.

"NO!" laughed me, Hermione, and Ginny because Draco was SO HOT without a shirt. He had amazing gray eyes on his face part.

Then we threw that skanky slut Lavender out the window and she landed on the ground on her butt and started to cry sluttily because she was a slut! Then I did a spell that made it so her clothes were on fire and she ran away screaming. We all laughed at how funny it was seeing her get the awesome punishment she deserved for being a brobdingnagian slut!

We all decided what to do next. Draco was good with children, so he played with Fanny using his wand. Meanwhile, Barty led the rest of us down the stairs epically!

**Chapter 26: they get away sexistly**

AN: You can't fool me, Jokegirl. I know "Kuro R. Phantomhive" is another of your sock puppets. "Kuro" said "OH and and by the way... I am Not Interested In Your Lies." Well, Not Interested In Your Lies is Flecktrike's new name and Flecktrike is the same as Jokegirl! I bet you didn't think I'd remember all that, huh? Also, Kuro wanted to be putted in the story and that's what Jokegirl wanted too. THERE'S THE PROOF, HA, HA, HA!

Me, Hermione, and Ginny went down the stair things after Barty. He was so sexy and awesome! He burst epically into the room where all the bad people were.

"HOW DID YOU GET LOOSE, YOU FEMALE GIRLS!" shouted that sexist idiot Ron Raper sexistly in a sexist voice because he was sexist.

"You're SEXIST!" I yelled awesomely at him because he was sexist in a sexist way! I got out my wand and did a spell at him, but he just laughed sexistly. A broom came up to him and he flew away through the glass part of a window before the spell could get to where he was and make him effected by it.

"NOOOOOOOOOOO, HE'S GETTING AWAY!" I yelled madly. Arthur laughed sexistly as he disappeared away from where we were. Everyone gasped at how sexist he was being!

Then Ginny did a spell that it made so Theodore Nott's skin all fell off and then she put what was left of him on fire. We all laughed as he started to die slowly and painfully. That would teach him for being so SEXIST!

**Chapter 27: Epic Stuff Happens**

"HOW DARE YOU, YOU LUDICRUS WHORE!" shouted some sexist guy sexistly! "LET'S GET THOSE FEMININE SCHLEMIELS!"

All the bad people ran at us for what we did! The girls joined in because they were sluts.

"What are we going to do?" I panicked feministly. I started to cry, but then Barty raised up his wand epically in an epic way!

"Treguna Mekoides Tracorum Satis Dee!" he shouted epically. All the suits of armor in the house came alive and started awesomely attacking the bad people! Suddenly, the bad people's clothes flew off their bodies and started attacking them too so they were naked. We all laughed at them getting what they deserved!

Suddenly, that ugly slut Molly ran into the room ugilily in an ugly manner! She was wearing an ugly barrel so that she wasn't naked. In a sudden way, a female suit of armor came up to her and cut the straps so that the barrel fell off of her embarrassingly!

"Not my barrel, you bitch!" Molly shouted sluttily as she tried to cover herself and ran away blushing. All the bad people ran out of the house from the suits of armor just like what happened to those bad people with the guns in that movie thing. We all cheered at them being gone and Narcissa hugged me awesomely for saving the day!

**Chapter 28: an AWESOME surprise**

An: You can't fool me, Jokegirl. You may have changed your name to something stupid, but THE PICTURE IS STILL THE SAME. Ha, ha, I win!

The next day, I woke up and put on clothes. Soon I was wearing a lime green poet shirt with both golden horizontal stripes and red polka dots, pink tweed shorts with bright orange tights, and yellow snow shoes. I dyed my hair purple and put it into a Dutch braid and then I put on too much makeup. I also had underwear on.

I went downstairs and no one was there. I started to cry because I felt so lonely when suddenly almost everyone I knew jumped out and said "SURPRISE!" I screamed as balloons fell on me! Almost everyone was there, including Draco, Barty, Hermione, Ginny, Narcissa, Sirius, Hagrid, Fanny, Griphook, Lupin, Snape, Bellatrix, Cho Chang, and Winky the House-Elf. Of course, there wasn't anyone there that was sexist!

"What are you all doing here?" I asked in surprise because I was surprised.

"This is our way of thanking you for saving everyone," said Draco handsomely. He was crying mannishly because he was so overcome with pleasure emotions. That made me cry more and soon everyone was crying except for Barty!

"You have done well, Crystal," said Barty in a sexy, serious voice. He looked so sexy and epic! He looked exactly like Robert Pattinson!

"You're such a strong woman!" sobbed Hermione awesomely. "You never let men do everything for you like someone needing a lobotomy would think!"

"Yeah, that's true," I said epically.

I was going to cut the cake, but the knife was a little heavy, so Draco did it for me. My fork was kind of heavy too, so Draco fed me romantically. Everyone went "awwwww!" at how cute it was. Then I was feeling too tired to walk, so Draco awesomely carried me into the living room. We watched that epic show "Shake It Up" and I thought about how Dudley would never have become so retarded if he had watched good television like that. Suddenly, the doorbell rang suddenly in a sudden way!

**I don't know if these are all the chapters Venus God wrote, but they're all the ones I have.**


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